Seeking God for God


Dear Father,

I was caught up with a task deadline this last few days, one I thought I’d never finish. Finally, last night I completed my task – 3 days late of the deadline. During those last 3 days, I remembered You a lot: I read about You, I wrote about You, I missed You. I was desperate.

Heart Commandment

Heart Commandment (Photo credit: Will Humes)

I came across the dreaded verse again yesterday in an email devotional: “The two greatest commandments” – with a twist. It highlighted how You gave the second commandment even though the people didn’t ask for it. The question people asked was – what is the greatest commandment? You answered – loving God. Then You gave the second too – without the people asking for it. The email highlighted that it was because loving God is only complete (and comes full circle) when I love myself and I love others, and these 2 commandments cannot be separated.

Cover of "Battlefield of the Mind: How to...

Cover via Amazon

I found a very inspirational blog Father – Jumping on Clouds – and through the blog I found a person who had gone through painful things in their lives but had come out victorious through You. Someone who is both hopeful and joyful through You. Like Joyce Meyer says in her first chapter of “Battlefield of the Mind” (the book jumpingonclouds recommended to me), I used to be both hopeless and miserable. Then when I was 15 and was found by You, I became hopeful and for a time joyful. But I didn’t let go of my past. My misery and pain remained and so the scars didn’t heal completely. I didn’t let go, so You brought me face to face with it in December 2010 and more profoundly in July 2011. I’m recovering from those experiences, yes, but I haven’t yet learnt about being joyful. You keep bringing me against situations where I cannot ignore.

I started listening again to Joyce Meyer’s broadcasts from her website. In her “Intimacy with God – Part 2” she said something that really got to me: we are so caught up in asking “things” of You that we seek You for “things” but we don’t really seek You for You.

I don’t know where I go from here, Father, but like Paul said in Philippians 4:6-7, and like Joyce Meyer also said, I’m going to ask here for what I need. You. Please. I ask this in the name of Jesus, my Savior through His blood and the cross.


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Freedom flight


Image by jonycunha via Flickr

God values you. Hears you. Respects your call.
Pain cannot run, Not a tear drop may fall
He knows all, the unique you, you hide inside
Let not yourself die away within nor throw life aside

By grace that surpasses a Love so ardent
He understands you, your moods, all lost moments
Don’t draw blanks, for trouble’s bound, fast to appear
Dawn comes and wipes the dark away from all fear.

Let it disappear. Your pretends, your lies
You will lose pounds, feel light. Throw freedom in flight
By air, by soil. Over heaven and over all earth
God’s eye roves and brings warmth to the heart’s hearth

Please Take Me Home!

love, love, love...

There is in me something that rejoices in evil and glorifies wickedness. I feel powerless against it and I’m scared. Gone are the illusions of help from the world, friends or family in my struggle. I’m truly alone. There’s me, there’s You and there’s him and You are my only refuge in the battle I know now. No one can help me but You. Or someone sent by You. I’m very afraid.

As the world celebrates Your victory over sin, death and him, I pray and ask You to look mercifully upon this wandering, disobedient child that You died for; who helped to kill You; who helped to betray You. Lazy child! Failure! Hypocrite that preaches yet does not act; stays home and avoids churches; out of work and dependent. I know You can turn me around if You choose to. In fact, only You can help me now. Please… Don’t turn away from my pain. I have turned away from eyes overflowing with pain that looked in to mine and I’m asking You to treat me different from how I’ve treated others. I don’t deserve You or Your help. But I ask all the same. Please… Teach me. Correct me! Forgive me. Please… Take me home!

Please… Take me home!

Help Me!

Sky cloudy

Image via Wikipedia

The pain I felt and the unhappiness I was under could be cut with a knife. That’s how hard and solid the feelings had become in my life. I yearn for a companion, on the road home, because I feel so lonely.

Today, others celebrate the Lord’s rising, while I shed tears in my room. I stayed away from the church. I don’t know whether I’m right or wrong. Good or bad. The road seems so dark. My sacrifices seem to mean nothing; my goals seem empty and my heart, void. It’s gloomy outside. The perfect curtain to my soul and it is soothing to my tear stained eyes. I don’t think I can stand this much longer. Nor can I tolerate the sunshine right now.

I know the Lord has a plan in all this, though I feel deaf and blind, right at this moment. I don’t know what the plan is and it is frustrating. All I know is that I’m lost once again and can only hope He would find me.

Please Give Me a Mentor!

Learning to Crawl

Image by Lutz-R. Frank via Flickr

I feel tired
Drained of strength
Amid the chaos
That life always brings

You wonder what happened
Over the years
To make you so weak?
Yet here you are
On your knees

Crawling, in your minds eye
Kneeling, in your heart
Hoping someone would here your call
And no more alone be
Any more

Life’s confusing
That’s a fact
Which is why you need a helping hand
A mentor
One who’s been there
To give a hand

God is good, He’s almighty
That doesn’t mean
Human help is inadequate
It’s needed
Someone who’s gone on the road
Been all things
Seen all things
Faced the confusion and come out strong

Please Lord
Help me find
A human friend who can guide me by
I want to love you
As you deserve
Teach me by one follower
Who’s experienced!

Who Am I?

Who am I?

Image by stevec77 via Flickr

Why is the right thing the hardest thing to do?
Why are we given the power to hurt only the people we love, when they are the people we want to spare the most?
Why are our actions the opposite of what we believe in and want to do?
And why is being good part of the straight and narrow road?

Confused and broken I ask, “Who am I?”
And You say, “You’re mine. Mine forever!”

Who am I? I’m yours!

My Own Worst Enemy

Homeless and hungry

Image by Ed Yourdon via Flickr

For the past few months every time a loved one let me down I consoled myself saying, “It’s God and me against world!”. Now, things have changed. When I say God and myself, it signifies an equal partnership where each does what he/she is supposed to do. However, in our partnership I was constantly letting God down. What then? It’s only God, God and God. I cannot rely on myself because most times  I am my own worst enemy; I lack self discipline and will power; I break my own promises!

Right now things are very vague and cloudy. I sway between extremes, yearning towards the stability the middle of the road will bring. I want to know that even now, I am God’s and He still loves me. I don’t want Him to give up on me!  Because I have realized that I cannot rely on even myself!

Will God get tired of this way-faring, struggling little Christian? If that happens I am lost forever, because I have only Him.