How can I live in a tempting, materialistic world that encourages all my vices and expect to come out on Your side?
Knowing my “vices” why did You let me be born? For the scattered, random and inconsistent good that I do?
For everything about me is inconsistent. I know You see the thoughts in my head, the unformed words of feeling in my heart and the sentences I’m typing out on a blank MS Word document and not praying in the real sense, the time tested way on my knees…
Sometimes I find myself asking, do I love You? I’m grateful in my good moments, and I’m hopeful enough to say sincerely. But at most I’m forgetfully faithful like I’m in my other relationships. Darting in and out of life according to fleeting moods: sometimes knee deep in the mud of the past, peeking apprehensively in to a fearful future, day dreaming of what is not yet or ever will, or running pell mell from the present.
Sometimes I find myself asking do I love at all? If I do, when? And mostly, what is love? No, I know theoretically it’s not just a feeling and theologically and practically it’s a verb and so much more. Do I have enough. And more to the point am I becoming more loving everyday I spend on this earth? Am I becoming more obedient to You every moment? Am I becoming more authentic every second?
An impassioned plea. A dab at dramatics. And beautiful sounding words and impressive sentences that cause self-satisfaction to creep up my spine at how good I’m expressing my self this moment on virtual paper.
I recently recalled while travelling home how I’d felt when I couldn’t feel Your presence. Unconsciously I expected You to stick around my forgetfulness, my inconsistency. Be available at a moment’s demand or need. And I how I’d felt when I thought I didn’t have You anymore. I expected to have learnt better from that experience. But have I? You are my strength. Without You I am nothing. That is the truth. But why is it that I find myself forgetting that truth too frequently for comfort. I’m lazy. Really lazy.
I’m ending where I started.